Growing up, no three words terrified my sister and I more than, “Dad’s grocery shopping”…
Wait, is that three words or four? In an essay or short story, where the word count topped 1000, I would definitely count “Dad’s” as one. But when your down in the realm of three words, it almost seems like cheating to use a contraction. I guess I could sidestep the whole moral quandary by changing the sentence to “Dad is grocery shopping”, and then say “no four words terrified”. But, you know, things are always funnier in threes: Stooges, branches of the federal government, etc. And of course, all this assumes that I was using a contraction instead of a possessive, as in: the grocery shopping that belonged to my father. I wasn’t of course, but there’s no way to distinguish between the two aside from context. Which is pretty stupid, when you think about it. I mean, whose idea was that? I bet when they were hammering out the rules for English were they like “how should indicate plurals” someone said, “what if we add an s to the end?” and everyone sort of murmured agreeably, but one of the Founding Grammarians (hereafter: Doug) was sort of jealous that the other dude was getting all the attention with his fancy plural idea so when they moved on to the next agenda item and asked “and how shall we indicate possession?” Doug was all “what if we add an s to the end?” figuring that he would just stick with what worked in the past but then everyone was like “well we just did that for plurals…” and Doug said “uhhh yeah but I meant apostrophe s, so it’s like totally different” and since Doug was the nephew of the Grammarian in Chief everyone had to sort of grudgingly go along with it and that why now when you want to type “it’s” in a text message you have to navigate to a whole different “symbols” keyboard to get the apostrophe although that’s kind of a bad example since “it’s” is actually a contraction like “Dad’s”.
My mother would usually do the grocery shopping, which meant that my sister and I got what the universe owed us: sugar cereal, Pepsi, and pepperoni sticks. But occasionally my father would be called up to do the shopping duties, and he would return home with abominations like Shredded Wheat. Not frosted Shredded Wheat. Not Mini Shredded Wheat. The original Shredded Wheat, which had all the flavor and mouthfeel of steel wool.
Everything was like that. Where before we would have Fritos, now we would have banana chips. Cola was replaced with grapefruit juice. And seriously, carob? Come on.
Thank god for these:
Seemingly healthy to the uninformed father/shopper, these rascals are packed with sugar. Number two ingredient, yo. Candy is still candy, even if it contains baking soda: fact.
Rating: I love granola bars. They taste like subversion. 95¢/$1