Sorry for the unexpected hiatus, but the project hit a snag less than 10 items in. And here it is:
Unfortunately this is gum. I just don’t know what to say about gum, even after a week of deliberation. You put it in your mouth, chew until the flavor is gone, and then, from the third minute on, it just hangs around like an unwelcome houseguest, perched on your sofa long after dessert has been eaten, the wine has run out, and the conversation has dwindled to observations about the lateness of the hour. You could eat a mint and then spend an hour gnawing on an eraser for the same effect.
I know some people really like gum. When I was in the Peace Corps, the fellow volunteer I shared a house with an enthusiast. She was also terribly polite, which meant that we had the following exchange more often than any other by an order of magnitude:
Her: Do you want some gum?
Me: No thank you, I’m not a gum chewer.
Her: Suit yourself
Two years of this convinced me that gum-philia and -indifferentia were hardwired at the genetic level, like a widow’s peak or the ability to enjoy Project Runway. I should note that my roommate was also red-haired and left-handed, Devil’s traits all. Why our government allowed this woman to share her masticating ways with the developing world is beyond me. If a small boy in South America attempts to sell you chicle, blame Rose.
Me, I was never a fan, even as a kid. The only fun thing to do with gum, in my opinion, was to carefully refold an empty wrapper, put it halfway back in the pack, and then offer it to a friend as a joke. This was pretty much our only form of entertainment before the Atari 2600. Now gum doesn’t even offer this fleeting pleasure. Offering fake-gum to your boss and bellowing “oh BURRRRRRN!!” when he opens the wrapper gets noted on your performance review, I’ve uh heard.
Rating: Yeah so anyway: it’s gum. 35¢/$1.
I once dated a guy who hated gum. “I don’t enjoy chewing on my own saliva” was his reasoning. I never liked gum much in the first place, but once I heard that rationale, I’ve never thought of it the same way.
Gum is for people who have nothing better to do with their mouths. Or so I’ve heard. Also, it’s indestructible.
I will stand up for gum here. Did you know that gum chewing reduces stress and aids in concentration?
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/119826.php
Apparently it does (though study was funded by Wrigley’s so?)
Of course it doesn’t do much for the stress levels and concentration of people LISTENING to OTHERS chew gum. That pretty much makes a person want to do some serious damage.
Anyway, my work here as gum embassador is done.
Chew, or don’t chew, I don’t care.
Colleen
Oh, and in terms of the bozo who doesn’t like chewing on his own saliva… he does realize the saliva is still in there anyway right?
Let’s hope this fellow is not running an important institution, or in charge of dangerous equipment.
Just saying.
Your review reminds me of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMwIr7oi4D8
I noticed that the package indicates that the gum both naturally and artificially flavored, they’ve gotta get that word ‘natural’ on there no matter how stupid the context.
If I remember correctly, chewing gum makes one swallow more air which results in more farts. There’s another reason not to chew gum.
Any chance you can change the sidebar to say “I am going to consume and review every item in my office vending machine and there is nothing you can do to stop me, except maybe force me to chew gum.”?
Oh… I just can’t wait! Please, please, please let Payday be the next item to review. I am SO looking forward to that one.
Good luck Matt. From the pic of the vending Machine, you’ve still got at least three other gums to “consume”.
The item two spaces to the left of the Wrigley’s Doublemint looks like Juicy Fruit… which has the same eraser-like consistency as the Doublemint, just without the pleasant initial taste.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
A+ for shannon c’s link.
also, some people *need* gum to keep the stankbreath at bay. jussayin’.
I’m not much of a chewer but the dentist told me that I had enamel wear on the front of a couple of teeth that would likely lead to a cavity. He recommended that I try a recalcitrant gum made by Trident. I chewed it twice a day for a couple of months and at my next dental appointment I asked him to look at those teeth and he said that they looked a lot better.
I once dated a guy who hated gum. “I don’t enjoy chewing on my own saliva” was his reasoning. I never liked gum much in the first place, but once I heard that rationale, I’ve never thought of it the same way.
+1
So, I take it you had to chew the whole pack before moving on to the next item? For a non-chewer, that is taking one for the team! I would have accepted chewing a stick and bringing the rest home for Squirrely.
it’s been two weeks. how long does it take for you to chew a pack of gum? the allure of a site like this is more frequent posts.
SUBMISSION: MOST FREQUENTLY UPDATED BLOG
Apparently your tag in the upper right is totally truthful. All we had to do to stop you from consuming and reviewing every item in your office vending machine was nothing…. Seriously, though, we miss you when you’re gone so long.
My reason for chewing gum on a daily basis: it prevents me from making a fool out of myself at the gym by forcing me to run with my mouth closed and not wide open and gasping for air. Note: Really the gum is only hanging out in the mouth during the run. Excessive chewing of said “running gum” would just be counterproductive as it would make me look like a foolish cow chewing cud.
When I was a kid our pastor was so spiritual that he claimed he never chewed gum because it had no value (other than being enjoyable which was the point I was sure). Apparently he didn’t find fresh breath a virtue. I was tickled when Wrigley’s came out with the “reduces cavities” commercials. IN YOUR FACE REV!
[...] have groused over gum in these pages before. I don’t dislike gum, per se. It’s just so … you know. [...]