My grandfather was an unapologetic smoker. He had a closet full of Lucky Strikes and a sign above his desk that read “THANK YOU FOR HOLDING YOUR BREATH WHILE I SMOKE”. His doctors continually told him to knock it off, and he said no, and that was the end of that.
Consequentially, while I’ve never smoked myself, I’ve also never begrudged anyone else for doing so. Except for one category of people: those who smoke and apologize for it, or who alternate between drags and promises that they are going to quit soon. I inherited my position on this matter from Grandpa: if you’re going to have a vice, either do it and enjoy it or don’t do it at all.
I kind of feel the same way about the savory snacks in this machine, all of which seem utterly chagrined to be delicious. I’ve already mentioned how the Chex Mix features a trumped-up claim of low-fatitude but, really, there nary a bag of anything in there that doesn’t promise low this or 0 mg. of that or a full serving of whole grains.
As far as I’m concerned, that’s a big selling point for candy. It’s crap, and it’s proud.
See that? “caramel * milk chocolate”. And “Calories 250″. That’s more like it. Tell me what ya got, not what you got 1/3 less of.
The back is even more explicit:
Jeezum crow. If this candy bar was any more revealing it would have a leaked sex tape on the Internet.
Rating: Twix bills itself as a “cookie”, and I’m not 100% sure I like caramel in a cookie. If I was a gourmand I would probably attribute this unease to “mouthfeel” but, given that I’ve pledged to devote eight weeks to vending machine food, I think we can safely rule “gourmand” out.
Twix is also, while tasty, rather generic. I mean, putting milk chocolate and caramel in your candy bar is like putting explosions and Megan Fox in your film: enjoyable on a basic level, but not really worth a trip to the cinema. If Twix were a movie I’d probably just eat a pirated torrent of it. 70¢/$1.
Why do I strongly suspect that somewhere out there that Twix is indeed featured in some sort of sex tape.
I’m so not going to find out.
DominaTwix starring Elmer Fudd?
For Ricky Gervais / Karl Pilkington fans:
http://www.google.com.au/#hl=en&source=hp&q=you+never+see+an+old+man+eating+a+twix&meta=&aq=0&aqi=g1&aql=&oq=you+never+see+an+old+man+eating&gs_rfai=&fp=658b7b1aadb4442c
There’s something weird about Twix. They come in twos, and the first one is delicious and satisfying. But the second one makes me woozy and gassy.
hah, great analogy at the end.
>>given that I’ve pledged to devote eight weeks to vending machine food, I think we can safely rule “gourmand” out.
in the older sense of the word, a gourmet was someone who appreciated good food, whereas a gourmand simply liked plenty of it. so you’re still in the running for the gourmandise stakes.
If you want to be 100% sure that you like caramel in a cookie, try Samoas. I likely contribute close to a hundred bucks a year to the Girl Scouts of America in exchange for these cookies, that are comprised of more or less equal parts chocolate, caramel, coconut, and awesome.
Unfortunately, they aren’t available in vending machines.
I know… I know…. makes me sad, too.
I’m going to make that smoking sign for my front porch.
It’s been years since I’ve had one of these. I went through favorite candy bar phases: Snickers was a long-time favorite, then “Mounds” –I lived in Germany so some of these bars had different names: Snickers was always Snickers, but “Mounds” was called “Bounty” –pirates, coconuts, treasure. I did also have a Twix phase although I agree with whoever said up there that two of it were often more than what were needed!!
And Twix was not Twix in Germany but “Raider”.
If you want to be 100% sure that you like caramel in a cookie, try Samoas. I likely contribute close to a hundred bucks a year to the Girl Scouts of America in exchange for these cookies, that are comprised of more or less equal parts chocolate, caramel, coconut, and awesome.
Unfortunately, they aren’t available in vending machines.
I know… I know…. makes me sad, too.
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[...] here are some other candies I consider to belong to the silver, rather than the golden, age: Twix, Whatchamacallit, Nerds, and the sadly defunct [...]