147: Kar’s Salted Cashews

I’ve never understood the breaststroke. This is not a comment on my sexual prowess. But I simply cannot comprehend why there is more than one swimming event in the Olympics.

I mean you’ve got the “freestyle”, in which competitors can hypothetically use any technique they prefer. But only a fool would choose anything other than the crawl, as the other strokes are woefully deficient in comparison. “I guess we’ll just have one swimming event then” you’d expect the Olympics guys to say, but instead they caved to the demands of the power Breaststroke lobby and gave it it’s own category, along with the Butterfly and the 100 Meter Swim While Reading a Patricia Cornwell Novel (which, okay, isn’t an actual event, but may as well be given that “inefficient forms of travel” are apparently legitimate sports).

Which brings me to Kar’s Salted Cashews. Explain to me again why we need cashews in a world that contains the miracle of peanuts? Sure you might have one of them allergies, the kind where you drop dead if any of your Facebook friends so much as thinks about Phad Thai, and then I can see why you might resort to cashews. But why would you put what is essentially a Fallback Plan in a vending machine? You don’t see them selling carob or Hydrox or methadone fercrissakes.

Also, A, this is not 90¢-worth of anything:


“The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.” — Woody Allen

And B:

If you’re a nut and you have to be roasted in the oil of another nut just to get eaten, do us all a favor and go extinct. You ain’t foolin’ nobody.

Rating: 35¢/$1. I was ready to go as high as 60¢ based on the peanut oil and salt, but this picture of how cashews are grown caused me to spit the half-masticated remnants into my hand and knock two bits off the rating.




38 Responses to “147: Kar’s Salted Cashews”

  1. kelli parker says:

    first: cashews are wonderful, you fool!
    second: did you know the gasses released during roasting them out of their shells can melt your flesh right off! that’s why they’re so expensive. i learned that in belize.
    so there.

  2. James says:

    You’re insane. In this case, specifically because cashews are immeasurably superior to peanuts. They’re what your guests spend diligent hours picking out of the bowls of mixed nuts you put out at parties. Peanuts are the dross they leave behind.

  3. LastOneUp says:

    I liked cashews until I saw this picture you posted. It just seems wrong. An inter-species sort of wrong. btw – yours is my new fav blog.

  4. Kate says:

    I’m with you. Plus, I think cashews taste like band-aids.

  5. Vidiot says:

    YOU LIE. Cashews are the best.

  6. kathy kitt says:

    Normally, I’m not a fan of any kind of nut. Not an allergy thing just a life choice. But if I absolutley have to pick a nut it has gotta be the peanut. Those cashews are scary looking.

  7. Sarah Brown says:

    Matthew… you had me until this. I love cashews. Please reconsider.

  8. Nat says:

    Try those Trader Joe’s chili lime cashews. The honey-sesame variety is good too, but more like straight-up candy.

  9. Gabe says:

    Okay, first, I totally agree with commenters. You’re nuts. Cashews are a way superior nut, especially salted. Even if they are apparently only some odd apple-turd. But what I find most peculiar about this whole thing is, if they are, as you suggest, a peanut-alternative, or subsitute, what is the sense in roasting in peanut oil. They have to list if the thing even cohabitates with peanuts in the factory. So going straight to peanut oil is an obvious allergy-snub. Screw you peanut people, now even cashews are off-limits.

  10. scottie says:

    When I was nine years old, my grandmother gave me a 64 oz. jar of cashews for a birthday present. She always gave terrible presents, but this one present makes up for the other 24 years of bad presents. Because cashews are are the most kick-ass nut. I kept those things in my closet and munched on them after dinner for eight months. I think I’m going to go have some now, as I keep them on hand.

  11. QuicksilverGirl says:

    Apparently you can eat the cashew “apple” – I would love to try one!

    By the way, if you are really intending to eat out of the vending machine, I suggest a detox routine after (and that’s coming from pork-rind-girl!)

  12. tamere says:

    I don’t know about the other allergy sufferers, but my doctors tell me that my super serial peanut allergy is closely related to my not-death-inducing-but-will-make-me-vomit cashew allergy. Are there people out there allergic to peanuts who can eat cashews?

  13. beta dad says:

    Incorrect! Among nuts, cashews are second perhaps only to pistachios. They might even be better than pistachios because they come shelled and their sweet nutmeats are more ample.

  14. Frank Habets says:

    I would kill for cashews.
    Peanuts, on the other hand, might merit littering, at best.

  15. Quothz says:

    “Explain to me again why we need cashews in a world that contains the miracle of peanuts?”

    So we can say “Gesundheit!” whenever they come up in conversation, of course.

  16. evil thing says:

    The cashew plant is toxic and can cause you to want to scratch your skin off where touched.

    You defy nature and give meaning to the lives of the valiant warriors who venture forth to pick those things! They are worth every cent!

  17. Hope says:

    Cashew apples are tasty, I had some when I was visiting a friend in Trinidad. They were preserved in syrup and tasted a bit like roasted sweet peppers.

  18. monstrinho says:

    in brazil they make a drink from the fruit of the cashew. tastes like ass.

    macadamia nuts. Now those little beasties are too deliscious

  19. brazuca says:

    okay, to pile it on, you’re wrong. secondly, the cashew fruit is delicious also too as well. pure, as juice, in syrup, whatever, it’s awesome. go to brasil, eat it.

  20. Tatiana says:

    The cashew fruit is delicious, it is so sweet! It is called “caju” in portuguese. I don’t know why you said it looks gross. It is just a fruit. Go to Brazil and tri it :P You will love it.

  21. Michael says:

    Insanity. Here you go. Nuts in order of deliciousness:

    roasted hazelnuts
    cashews
    pistachios
    almonds
    peanuts
    macadamia nuts
    pine nuts
    walnuts
    pecans

  22. catta says:

    Hey – peanuts are not really nuts. They are legumes. Darn tasty lugumes!

    Cashews are nuts and the cream of the nut world.

  23. [...] my factually-correct denunciation of cashews continues raise hackles (foremost among them: , this would be a poor time for me to opine on the merits of almonds. Alas, [...]

  24. Rebecca says:

    Ok, cashews are awesome. Perhaps the best nut there is. At the very least they are tied with pistachios. Almonds rule too though! Walnuts suck!
    That fruit looks kinda kinky, but I’d give it a shot.
    As far as the allergy queries go, there are people who can eat cashews or any other nut if they are allergic to peanuts (a lowly nut, which is only enjoyable in butter form). My daughter is one of those people. However, most not-peanut nuts are processed on the same lines as peanuts, so they’re pretty much off-limits unless you know the details of where they came from. Strangely though peanut oil should be fine (never chanced it myself) as the sciency molecule that makes people die is removed when it is processed.
    Love this blog! Thanks!

  25. feedmillgirl says:

    The reason cashews are so dangerous to pick and process is because the cashew plant is in the same family as poison ivy. Yum!

  26. Igor Alexandre says:

    Cashew is far tastier. And oh, the cashew fruit is absolutely delicious. Seriously. Delicious. And refreshing and juicy. You should go to Brazil and try it sometime.

  27. Igor Alexandre says:

    wow I posted before I read the comments and then saw that a bunch of people said the exact same thing as I did ” go to Brazil and try it” :)

    Well, you should.

  28. Eberhardt Raumfuhrer says:

    You disgust me.
    To think that I was actually going to read this blog…
    I simply can’t trust one word from a man – if you really are a man – who prefers peanuts to cashews.
    You want to know what I think of peanuts?
    I wipe my ass with that gross peanut skin that sits between the peanut itself and its crumbly shell. I then take a handful of the shells, crush them between my buttocks until they look like cat litter, and then I piss on them. I then take two peanuts (ideally a pair who shared a shell) and stick them into my nostrils, look myself in the mirror, and I snort like a bull until the nuts shoot downward into the sink.
    That’s what I think of peanuts.

  29. john says:

    I was in the Peace Corps in the Dominican Republic, and I was on a long hike with some Dominican kids. We came upon a cashew tree, i’d never seen the fruits. They told me to take bite of it. It looked like an apple, so the second my lips touched the skin, and i think my teeth broke into it a little bit, it was like i was chewing on cottonballs and cigarette butts. I can still conjure the taste in my mouth.

  30. tulip says:

    OK, I wasn’t going to post until I got to Eberhardt Raumfuhrer’s comment and I could not stop laughing! I kind of feel that way about peanuts myself. And peanut butter that is not contained in a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup is a horrific nightmare food.
    I love you and your commenters Matthew!

  31. Newton says:

    Peanuts over cashews? Peanuts over cashews!?!?

    That’s like preferring bologna to filet mignon. How can I trust any other opinion on this site when this one is so horrendously off-base?

  32. Pete says:

    You are, straight up, a crackhead. Cashews are to peanuts what the love child of Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein are to George Bush jr. Like the child of three men who never coexisted, the cashew may look wrong… but it’s oh, so right.

  33. Palad says:

    I’m with you – cashews and almonds are two of the most vomit-inducing substances on the face of the earth. Peanuts are the only way to go.

  34. Marc says:

    Cashews don’t taste like anything. They demand that you coat them with some crazy flavor to make them edible. And have you ever seen cashew butter? Matthew is absolutely right, who needs these when you could have a peanut. Also, Homer Simpson would rather have a peanut than twenty dollars. No word on cashews. You gonna argue with Homer?

  35. Frank Habets says:

    Peanuts over cashews???
    DefectiveYeti: Now we know why there’s that qualifier for yeti.

  36. Jane says:

    “I don’t know about the other allergy sufferers, but my doctors tell me that my super serial peanut allergy is closely related to my not-death-inducing-but-will-make-me-vomit cashew allergy. Are there people out there allergic to peanuts who can eat cashews?”

    Not me. Also, lots of times they’ll put peanut oil on tree nuts and tree nut oil on peanuts just to irritate the fuck out of everyone. My tree-nut but not peanut allergic friend has a difficult time finding peanuts that aren’t roasted with tree-nut oil.

    “Strangely though peanut oil should be fine (never chanced it myself) as the sciency molecule that makes people die is removed when it is processed.”

    Eh… sorta not really. Peanut allergies come from the proteins in peanuts (and other foods, that’s why most the top 8 – http://www.foodallergy.org/section/allergens – are all high protein foods), and during high heat oil processing methods all proteins are removed from the product. In low/no-heat methods, usually used to produce organic low smoke point peanut oils, the proteins are not removed from the product and can still cause violent allergies. So it’s kind of a crapshoot unless you know the specific processing methods used in the plant in which the oil was produced.

  37. Connie says:

    I thought I was the only one who didn’t like cashews! Maybe it’s the southern girl in me, but I prefer peanuts and pecans to cashews and pistachios.

  38. [...] Having previously raved about peanuts alone and peanuts in the company of chocolate and caramel, it will come as no surprise to you that I like [...]

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