My office moved into a new building over the weekend, and I spent much of this morning dealing with the attendant hassles: plotting a new bus route, unpacking boxes, performing emergency services on a manhandled plant (“Goddamn it Lucky Bamboo, you never backed away from anything in your life! Fight, goddamn it! FIGHT!”).
The good news is that my new digs has a window that overlooks a courtyard. The bad is that the courtyard is narrow and the window of my boss’ boss is directly across the way, which means he can see my computer screen at any given moment. Currently the only computer game I can play on the company dime is SimSpreadsheet.
To make matters worse, the entrances to the restrooms are identical in this building as they were in the last, except Mens is on the left and Womens is on the right–the exact opposite of what I am accustomed to. Thus, every trip to the can this morning has been accompanied by a 30-second game of “Where’s the urinal?” (followed, 40 minutes later, by “Hello, I’m Your HR Rep!”).
But every cloud has a silver lining. In this case it’s a brand new vending machine, chock full of snacks the likes of which I’ve only hithertofore heard tell of in rumors and legends. Behold!
KitKat Crisp? Famous Amos Cookies? Beef Jerky?! HAVE I DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN OR AT LEAST PURGATORY WHICH AS I UNDERSTAND IT IS ESSENTIALLY HEAVEN’S RECEPTION AREA AND WOULD THEREFORE BE MORE LIKELY TO HAVE SUN CHIPS FOR SALE?! My reaction to the machine was not unlike that of the apes to the monolith in 2001: fear, followed by awe, followed by tentative touching, followed by the the braining of a boar via femur.
So ensorcelled was I that I made a solemn vow, right there on the spot: I will consume and review each and every item in this machine.
And to make things interesting, I shall do so in random order. After all, I’d hate to wind up in one of those dinnertime dilemmas where you eat all the good stuff and are left with the peas. Not that I need worry in this instance: the caliber of products in this particular machine is so high that there is unlike to be a single bad item in the –
Wait wait wait. Something about this photo makes me uneasy. Let’s get some CSI analysis.
Lower-right quadrant. Enhance.
Now zero in on item 156. Enhance.
Still can’t make it out. Can you clean up this image a little bit?
My god. What have I done?